It’s VERY OK NOT to be OK

It’s VERY OK NOT to be OK

I can’t really explain when the promptings came to me to really share deeply about the depression that resides in me. I know I’ve talked about it in the past but it was still withholding a lot of that ‘feeling judged’ apprehension.

However,  with a clear mind, from treatment that has really worked, I can share more in depth without coming in with a cautious motive.

The thing with depression is that, it scared me that moment I knew I wasn’t myself. When the fog never went away and when thoughts of violence, death, and grief overtook me.

Wes really had to be the guy to go through all the motions with me, bless his heart. It’s definitely been rough for him. He took the brunt of many mean words, actions, and non-verbal- even- abuse. Abuse is strong I know. It’s not like it was physical or frequent mental abuse. It was more like when I was low, then I had to make him low with me. That’s not healthy for anyone, and it made him question if it was even worth hanging on to for the long run, I’m sure, though he never ever said that to me. In fact, his words were always I love you, I will try better, I’m sorry. I really had him placing blame on his own actions that I was ill. HORRIBLE. But – that’s what depression does. Depression is all types of feelings that come out in weird ways.

It hit me hard after Arthur. In fact, not many know this, but I didn’t want to have a second baby because I was so afraid, I couldn’t mentally handle it. I had a really hard time with Charlotte, and again I blamed her for being a baby and making my life hard- that was my depression. With charlotte, my disconnect was real. When you hear about post-partum depression cues of the parent ignoring the babies, that was me. I mean, I didn’t ignore her but with Arthur it was definitely different in my approach to him. I was on medication during Arthur in my belly. And it really helped me regulate a lot of my attitude towards him. I was way cuddlier and more snuggly with him than I was with charlotte.

When he was about 6 months, though, my anger would frequently show up in odd ways and I knew it was the imbalance in me making a move, so we increased my doses a couple times. It was not fun. It was trial and error, a lot on the error side for sure.

Fast forward a little bit. I went through three different brands of medication; I even went off and tried straight mental awareness activities. It’s been quite the rollercoaster. I am happy to say my current combination has been great, as Wes would say “the old moo is back” and in fact I am sure you have noticed as well for those that see me poking around on social media.

Not that it’s a complete cure, depression – in my opinion- is never cured. It has remission and then comes back. 

I am sharing because I know there is a lot of people out there who talk about their “depression” but take no other steps to help themselves. They want to talk about it though because they need someone to truly listen to them and need help. With Wes, his way of listening was just telling me he loved me constantly, and I truly believed that was the saving grace in my moments of thinking about suicide or deep in debilitating thoughts that kept me in bed for hours would be interrupted with a text that said ‘hi how are you babe’

I know I’ve lucked out with a great partner, but not everyone has that and so I offer my ear and any of my own experience to anyone out there thinking they may be depressed. I am not by any means a professional, but I can at least listen, relate and direct.

I've known along my journey of 4 and half years,  that allowing myself to be okay not being okay has pushed me to experience the next day. That hope that resided in me deep down in the muck was real, and I want people to find that hope. That little bit of hope snowballs into more positivism, self awareness, and even when you are on that high of happiness- that awareness of knowing it's going to dip, that your depression is going to creep in at anytime- cause it does that- knowing that but also knowing that if you made it to this week, you can make it to the next, and the next. 

Nobody is perfect. I know , again, I am not completely cured, but I am managed- that is better than I could have ever imagined in my darkest moments. 

Don't get me wrong, I still get annoyed with my kids, haha, but in a more loving way! and don't think wes is off dish duty either. and trust me- people still bug me and I can dish a foul statement on any mean girl that steps my way. Please reach out to me though, if you don't know where else to go. I will listen to you, friend.