Depression

My blogs, to me, are a fun way to share our progress as a family since Wes and I got married. I  love blogs, especially family blogs. It’s a good way for me to stay in touch with people and vice versa. This post will probably be the most personal and bravest face I’ve displayed in my blogging history.Its not meant to invoke sympathy or anything of that sort either.

This post is meant to bring awareness to depression, and the levels of severity it can have and , sometimes, it reaches that ultimate level of death. It’s not meant to take away from what you’re feeling about the loss of Robin Williams or another loved one you loss to suicide, and hopefully it will help you help others around you before it leads to something tragic.  Robin Williams, he was amazing at bringing light and joy into our lives, he all made us laugh and feel good right? Oozed all sorts of talent left and right, great wife and kids and to us, he had it all. But, again you never know. You don’t know the darkness he was facing and the guilt of being in a place where you know , or feel, you can’t get out. 

When I was in high school I remember going through a severe depression, an abyss of hate and spite towards my father. Not too many people knew, and for those who knew my dad, understood. I was just always known as a happy go lucky person and I always had a lot of friends and did well in school- people didn’t think anything was wrong at home. Though I don’t want to go into my relationship with my Dad and I, it did eventually lead me to think about suicide. I had some good friends around me who took my condition seriously and helped me seek out counseling and it helped a lot. In High School, especially High School- you don’t know what your options are when you are feeling like all is lost. I thank those friends so  much..you know who you are and I may have not been here today without you.

Since having Charlotte, I was very ignorant to what it is I ‘could’ be having. I just thought it was the baby blues for the first few weeks, and it was just me not doing a good job or cause I thought she was just a hard baby. I  understand why its something mothers don’t talk about. The pressure is already on you to raise a child, to keep up a clean home, make time for others and still remember to keep your identity, to eat and  maybe pee. It took me a while to realize what it is I finally had, and I hid it for a long time. I hid it because I know we tried SO hard to have her, it was a slippery slope in it of itself to just try- I risked my relationship with  my husband cause just trying to have a baby overtook all my thoughts and feelings,my every day life.. and then, finally, I could see this human we created, and… I couldn’t love her. And you see other moms just get on with their life. And the love..you see that overwhelming love they have for their kids and  I am STILL trying so hard to get to that feeling.

I did my best to be rational about it and try to fix it..going outside, taking Charlotte with me to different places and exposing us to different environments and trying to get with people as much as I could. Gardening, baking, blogging, etc. All this stuff I thought ‘I knew’ would take me out of this state. I tried to be my own fixer, and it wasn’t working. Nothing was making me feel better and I felt like things were getting worse cause I was stressing myself out trying to hide it. Every day is a gray day, no matter how bright the sun is shining. Slowly I started to get noticed by my husband. He would see me, how one day I was up, and one day I was down. And when I was down, I was mean to him. I took it all out on him. And on those nights when he didn’t see me, I would cry..oh I would cry and cry and Charlotte would be right there. And the thoughts are so bad. Really really bad.  Occasionally , I would drive for a long time with her, and think I could drop her off somewhere and never return. 

My husband finally pushed and pushed and I blew up and I basically told him I’d rather not be around cause it would be easier on everyone, Charlotte deserves a better mother.

Robin Williams was a part of everyone’s lives. Admit it. You looked forward to watching his movies and allowed  him to enter your life for two hours with no interruption. He had that thing that made people feel good about themselves by acting so incredibly well on the big screen. But who knows how long he acted for, to cover up and hide what was really going on with him, inside his head that was affecting his heart and soul. He was always acting for us and we didn’t have a chance to help him or even take notice. Not that it was our responsibility, but I feel like he did so much for us..we didn’t do enough for him. I am so saddened for his family and their loss, but I also feel like he is probably in a good place now, out of his hell, his loneliness and darkness. He is shining down on his family with an abundance of  love and appreciation, and we will always feel his peace when we watch one of his movies from now on. 

Suicide isn’t the right way out, im not saying that or trying to imply that at all with anything I’ve written today. Suicide can also be a selfish way to get attention.  But suicide doesn’t just pop into ones head out of nowhere, there is a time-lined bucket of thoughts and emotions that gets dirtier and darker until its completely muddy and black. Not everyone going through depression wants your, or can accept help from others, to clean that bucket out with fresh new thoughts and ideas on life. Its sad to think about and even angering…but its true. Those who’ve been through it..you can attest.

I’m getting treatment now, and I know eventually my head will be cleared of those bad thoughts and that light I think is there will eventually shine through.  and I just wanted to let people know that depression hits all sorts of  people, no matter how great you think they have it or how well of a ‘front’ they put up. Postpartum Depression affects  around 20% of women, that’s what my dr told me. Its more common than I thought it was and so I know I’m not alone now. ( there may be some of you ‘psychologists’ who are linking everything to my daddy problems as well, who knows, maybe, but I’m not there yet haha)

 Always be there for your loved ones. That darkness is a hard place to get out of, and for some people, seemingly out of nowhere they just give up, they’ve lost that hope. But for some they just need to know they can be helped and you can help them.  How lucky I am to have a family who cares enough to say ‘lets go get help and I support you’. 

If you are going through something you think might be depression, seek help and accept help immediately, there are a lot of people who want to help you-whether family or friends, doctors or treatment centers. Just don’t wait like I did, both times, to the point you are making others around you uncomfortable or to where you feel unsafe with yourself. No one is more responsible for you than you, but its surprisingly reassuring that the people around you care for you more than you could ever know, so let them care for you.